First dates

I heard someone talking about how their first date was and it was a cute story. I was thinking about my own first date and decided to write it down. Mostly because the only other person in the house is currently coloring and can’t be pulled away right now to hear boring grown up stories.

I was in a theatre trope and this guy asked me if I wanted to have dinner after rehearsal. I figured it was a group thing because often the cast and crew get together after rehearsals to eat after a long practice. When I got in his car his other two friends were also riding, so I didn’t think anything of it. He dropped both his friends off at home because they both said they were busy, but I was hungry and still thought we were meeting other people. We got there and no one else was there and we are, but then one of the friends he dropped off at his house showed up. I asked if he wanted to go over and say hi or let him join us and he said no. He dropped me off at my house and I didn’t even hug him, just said bye and that I’d see him the next day at rehearsal. I saw his friend early the next morning and asked about my date. Date? I hadn’t gone on a date, I had gone to dinner with a friend, but he never asked me out on a date, he gave no real indication that he wanted to date me, or maybe he did and I missed it. The whole day I thought about if I actually wanted to date him or not, if that conversation might be awkward after we had apparently gone on our first date. That was my first introduction to being in a relationship and I have to honestly say I haven’t gotten any less awkward about it.

My second “first date” (the second guy I ever dated, but my first date with him). We had been friends for awhile and I loved hanging with him. He had broken up with his girlfriend a few months before and I had broken up with my boyfriend weeks before and he was totally over her because he wasn’t that into her in the first place, but honestly I was still hurting a bit from breaking up with a guy I had really loved for two and a half years. We had gone out as friends many times before, but this is when he has finally asked me if I wanted to be more than that, this time had the pressure of being a date. We went to Olive garden and it was pretty good, then we headed to Walmart because it was his sister’s birthday the next day and he needed to get her a gift. We walked around and talked for a bit then he dropped me off at my house, no kiss he made sure I got home safe, but he had to go see his sister. I married that guy.

This week

This week has been very difficult. This post is going to get a little personal and long, so if you are already bored then you might need to stop reading now.

Thursday one of my sisters lost another baby. I hate the term lost in this sense because it makes it sound like she can’t find them, like you lost a shoe or I lost my mind. No, this is more of a never got to know this human who has never known pain, anger or suffering and is actually fully perfect, but we never got to know that level of perfection. I have 3 nephews and I totally love each of them. The eldest is almost 4 now and is on the spectrum. I spent 3 years watching him full time and he’s amazing. I watched him go from rolling over to crawling to bull dozing everything in sight. He’s writing his name now and can swim. He still has trouble with many foods and definitely has bad days, but I love climbing things with him, being adventurous and getting those very rare and special hugs that he won’t give to just anyone. The second oldest just turned 3 and he’s so funny. I love how he dances and turns anything into a car. I get to see him once a month or so and he’s more clear and a little bit smarter every time I see him. I have held him while he’s sleeping and just let him lie there on me and felt relief that he wasn’t moving anymore after a long day, but at the same time felt so happy because he trusts me. He and my daughter will always be friends, she will be dancing and he will be a car and they will both be running around laughing and come inside and ask for more Mac and cheese. I love this stage of life. The youngest of my nephews is 1 1/2 years old. The first 6 months was very hard though, he was constantly sick and not an easy baby there were many hospital visits and lots of praying. Now he’s running around chasing after his brother and climbing on things. He thinks he’s 3 and can keep up with a 3 year old eating for sure. His favorite food is anything with lots of carbs. I am completely amazed at how just a few months can completely transform a person. I have 3 wonderful amazing nephews and then I have 3 who I’ll meet for the first time in heaven where they will hug me tight and tell me all about what perfection really is. Not only did Thursday bring tears for that reason, but then I had a sinus infection too. Yes this sounds a bit selfish, but this is my blog from my own perspective, so it will be and those who want to can choose to write from their perspective. I did learn that I can fight my nasal polyps using a non surgical method and I’ve never heard of that before even after seeing a few specialists. Anyways then Monday it flooded here and my husband couldn’t go to work so I had to keep our 4 year old in the house with him trying to work and that was hard, although it was nice having him here. Then I find out my sister who was in the hospital Thursday also got her house flooded in. 4-6 in of water through the whole house and so they lost a lot of stuff. We went Tuesday night to help them move the furniture out of the way so the carpeting people can install new floors and we just helped them move in less than 2 months ago. My husband and I like helping people move we really do, but this was more sad than happy. We didn’t get flooded at all and it seems like the worst is over so we won’t get any water most likely. My sister lives in an area where they just opened up a reservoir and so they will probably flood again. It’s impossible to know what I would do if hit with a loss of life and a loss of property in the same week. I might see if she’s open to the nickname Job, after the biblical Job who lost everything.

Dreams

Most of the time my dreams are very vivid, like I can taste stuff in my dream or hear stuff not just one at a time, but like people talking over each other as it is in real life. My dreams have been this way since I was a kid, so I honestly have not had many dreams that were one demential nor have a had many nights without dreams. Sometimes I’m myself in my dreams and just doing normal things. Sometimes I’m older or younger or in a different place, maybe a made up place, might be somewhere familiar. I have been other people before too. Not just like I dressed up as a teacher, but I’m still actually me, but I’m actually a different person, with different experiences, a different set of knowledge and a different moral system sometimes. I’ve done some pretty terrible things in my dreams, things I would never fathom doing in real life. For example one dream I  was me and I was in a baseball stadium, but it was mostly empty and my husband and I were watching the players practice. We heard a fight break out among two guys and one of them started walking in our general direction. The other one got super mad and started shouting and threatening the first guy and also started walking towards us. Then he pulled out a gun and said he was going to shoot him. That’s when my husband stepped in and tried to talk to him, just hey would you please put the gun away, no one needs to get hurt and then as he was distracted I took the gun away from him. He lunged at me and almost got it back, but my husband was quick and grabbed him and did a head lock. Then he was struggling to get away and I warned him to settle down or I would shoot him and he was still struggling against my husband so I shot him in the leg, just enough to make him stop moving so much, but that made him angrier and he did get away from my husband, so as he was running towards me I shot and killed him dead and then immediately started crying. I felt justified in shooting him and all the actions I took, but I still felt guilty for actually doing it, do that’s how I know I was me in that dream, but in a different dream I was a guy and hitting on girls, but it felt weird, like I knew I wasn’t actually me. I’ve also done some pretty great things like flying over things, not with an airplane, just Superman style. I’ve learned things about myself through my dreams. I’ve even learned lessons I was supposed to understand in a classroom that I just wasn’t really understanding and then I slept through the night and actually completely understood the lesson the next day. I love sleeping, because my dreams are always more interesting than anything television has ever come up with. It’s always so personal and interactive. I’ve dreamed very sad dreams, where I’ve woken up and just needed to get a hug or I woke up crying. One time I dreamed that my husband died and then it kept going, like we had the funeral and then I had to live without him. When I woke up he was in the bathroom and I panicked for a moment. One time I dreamed that my husband just didn’t exist at all, like he never did, or at least not in the place that he had, he might exist somewhere else, like maybe his parents never moved to Houston and so he existed, but lived in Colorado. It was weird to see how different my life was. Like yes, obviously he’s a big part of my life, but there are so many suddle things I had never really thought of before that he does. Like I never would be best friends with my best friend because the time period that we really bonded was while I was dating my husband and we went out as friends a lot. Also he and I worked in the same building for awhile and he is a really good worker, so when I would go to work there were just less things done. I also never got promoted to the bakery because I never got a chance to talk to the bakery manager because he never introduced us. I’ve heard people say that they don’t dream and I’m actually a little sad for them, but curious too. Am I just more in touch with my subconscious mind and can remember my dreams better or maybe I wake up differently somehow? I can still to this day remember at least 10 different dreams I’ve had and know many of the details from them. I remember one time my parents took me to therapy as a kid and thought I was depressed, but the night before that I had this dream that everyone else were in cages and I was flying over them. All the cages were unlocked, so they could leave at any moment, but they chose not to because they were doing an activity in the cage, like playing basketball or golf or whatever. I was the only one who wasn’t in a cage and the only one who even really noticed the cages were even there. I drew this on a paper and have it to the therapist who only saw me for one session because she said I’m not depressed and I was 8 so i have proof that I have had real dreams at least that long. I remember a time where my friends were doing a sleep over and trying to do those truck where you can get someone to talk in their sleep and describe their dreams and I did it to one of my friends and she says she dreamed about motorcycles, but that she didn’t think it would work because she didn’t ever dream. It made me think that maybe people do dream and just don’t know it somehow. I try not to talk about it to people I know that much because somehow it makes people think I’m kind of crazy and maybe I am. Maybe the only way to have the coolest subconscious and be able to remember what it comes up with is to be at least slightly crazy.

Describing kid shows

I was talking to my sisters and I realized how weird it is to describe a kid shoe to someone who doesn’t have any kids. So I’m going to try and describe some kid shows for you, just for a laugh. If you know the show maybe you can add to the description.

Puffin rock:

Like watching the nature channel with Moss from the it crowd sitting next to you.

Magic school bus:

A very diverse class of kids goes on field trips in a magical bus with a crazy, but silly teacher and learn about science.

Backyardigans:

5 friends go out to play in the back yard and often sing songs and dance during their adventures.

Dinotrux:

In a world made out of machines there once were dinosaurs. These dinosaurs used to live exclusively in groups of their own kind, but one t Rex decided to try and create a new way. They decided to build things and create a group with a diverse set of dinosaurs and keep it off the way of the bigger t Rex that also lives in the area.

Plim plim:

A magical clown comes to the school when the kids aren’t getting along and teaches them manners using lots of colors and flashiness.

 

 

 

 

An ode to a dog I cared very little about

An ode to a dog I cared very little about:

I did not love you the way mom loved you, as a champion running partner. Someone who never judged her speed, cared what you saw along the way or even the destination, but truly just enjoyed the run. You were shears ready when she laced up her shoes to join her on long runs around the neighborhood or park. You were a great companion just going when asked and never complaining about the wind or the cold. I never loved you like that.

I never cared about you like my brother did, as a childhood pet and someone who would always understand. You have him comfort many times even when we failed to. You sat on the end of his bed and were just there, never having too much to say, but always knowing that sometimes best friends don’t have to say a word in order to just understand each other. I never loved you like that.

I never loved you like my grandmother did in your old age, someone who would keep her company and need her even when others didn’t. You were there for my grandparents as they aged and they were there for you. You mutually understood that life gets harder as you get older and could take comfort in having someone understand that sometimes squirrels that should never set foot on your property should just know that, but you need your nap. My grandparents loved napping with you in the afternoon, watching your hair change to match theirs. You were a good dog for them, but I never loved you like that.

I never even loved you like my father loved you, a point of pride. He loved to show pictures of his dog running with his wife. He would tell stories of his dog learning to do tricks at least as much as I told stories of my kid doing new things. You were not to be dressed up and go on outings with him, but you always followed him in spirit. They will airways have pictures of you among the pictures of their children, but I never loved you like that.

My relationship with you was not one of hate, or love, just mutual existence in the same space. Once in awhile I might feed you because mom was coming home late and couldn’t, other times I took you out for a walk after school. You weren’t my pet, I didn’t even feel like I learned a lot from having you around. The one thing you taught me, and you did it very well, is that none of that matters. I didn’t get to go to the store and choose you. I didn’t even like the idea of having another dog in the house, truthfully I probably would have chosen a nice turtle over you. I was annoyed when you tried to show me affection and so we never really bonded, but it didn’t matter. It didn’t matter how little I cared because you were still a part of my life. You were there every day and even after I moved out you were still a big presence in my relationship with my family. You taught me that I can’t always choose the people or things in my life, but I can choose to respect them. I can choose to enjoy the effect that they have on others. I can choose to be happy, maybe not with them, but with the environment that they create. I never cared much for you and truly your death was no different than your life for me, which sounds harsh, but we just were never close. I did however realize that I never thanked you for being around to make my mother so happy as she went on those long daily runs. I never thanked you for making my brother so happy as he had “his dog” who also happened to be a good friend. I wasn’t able to be that constant companion for him or even for my aging grandparents like you were and I never took the time to appreciate that they did have someone there for them even when they were lonely. I never even have my dad a hug and let him tell me one more story of the day they said goodbye to a beloved member of the family. You truly were family and I treated you like a stranger most of the time. I’m sorry to you that I wasn’t a better human. I now love you in my own way.

Different

My grandmother (I’ve only ever known one grandmother as my dad was an orphan before he was an adult) told me today that she joined face book for the sole purpose of seeing my regular updates. I’ve had a few people in my life (mostly family members) sat they really enjoy my “unique perspective” on life. My husband is actually the one to suggest I start writing this blog. (Which is funny because at a young age I found out I have dysgraphia, which is like dyslexia, only it effects the output like writing and talking) I resisted for awhile thinking no one would care about what I’m saying, but I then decided it doesn’t matter if anyone reads this, it’s therapeutic to write. My science teacher (environmental science) says sometimes I seem really well read, but it’s hard to understand what I’m actually saying. My husband has the same problem sometimes. He can know all sorts of stuff about a subject, but doesn’t know how to say it. What a pair we are, I hope it doesn’t affect my daughters ability to use her words in the future. Right now she’s a kitty cat, so she meows for things. We let her meow most of the time, but if she needs something then she has top use her words. She’s decided kitty has a high pitched voice for when she needs it, like a cartoon character. Sometimes I worry that we are messing this parenting thing up, but today she seems OK. Oh and interesting fact for those of you who haven’t fallen asleep from boredom, the toe I smashed in August finally started healing, maybe it’s going to be OK

Baby

Tags

adult autistic, autism, baby, family, new journey

I had another nephew born today. He was almost 10 lbs. My husband and I stayed at my sisters house to watch our 2 year old nephew while my sister is in the hospital so that her husband can go with her. It was a little hard on him, but he’s very familiar with this house, and he’s not taking off work or changing his schedule so it was OK. My husband recently was doing more reading about autistic people (yes it’s one of those single focus things) and discovered it’s very likely my nephew (who just had a brother born today) has asbergers syndrome. He has all those textbook signs at 2.5, even though the normal diagnosing age for that one isn’t usually until 5. He is not genetically related to my husband in any way, in case you are wondering. I am not just trying to see autism everywhere, I actually had no relation to anyone autistic until I married an autistic man. There have been many challenges in changing from a non autistic friendly lifestyle to one that is more accommodating. I guess now that I’m here God is pointing out people that might be autistic and letting that be the way I have an impact on the world is by advocating for  autistic people. I’m learning so much, everyday is a crash course in being an  autistic family member. New journeys are beginning today. If anyone has any advice I welcome it as long as it is delivered in a loving manner. Please know I have never said I know everything, in fact I only know what I have experienced myself.

Walk

Today we are going to support NY husband’s sister who had a stroke exactly one year ago today. She will be doing her first 5k walk and I’m so excited to be there with her. It’s not officially called stroke walk, but that’s what I’ve been calling it because we are mostly there to support someone who had a stroke. She has had an incredible journey so far, so it’s amazing to me to see her progress every time we see her again.

So going to something like this takes a little planning because of all the crowds. First I try and get my husband to sleep as much as physically possible the morning of and wake up slowly. Sleeping in means 2 things 1) he’s not getting social activity and getting overwhelmed. 2) he’s getting extra time to calm down from the night before.

Then I pack us drinks, snacks, diaper bag, and maybe even lunch. I can’t forget the toddler activities and her special blanket. This makes sure we don’t end up with extra unplanned social stops like talking to people at a drive through. For some reason talking to a person inside is easier for my husband than talking to the order box outside, but both are too social for days we have other social planned. I also make sure he brings his head phones and they are charged. If he has his phone and his head phones then the can listen to music and it helps block out the other noises.

Once we are packed and ready to go I’ll have it mapped out of it’s a place we don’t go often. Having the security of having someone tell him the directions makes sure he doesn’t get lost or forget to turn or something else that would add stress. Then we go and try and get there early. Being early means we can scope out the place before hand, can have time to take care of any last minute issues that come up and of course it takes away the stress of being late and people looking at you.

At least my sister will be there for my husband as much as he is there for her this time. They have always been very close and so it will be nice that they get the afternoon together. I’ve been to a few of these events together, but it’s been a very long time since I’ve been not dressed in full clown makeup. It will be very interesting to go and not get my picture taken 100 times

Break

As I’m sure your tired of hearing moms all over the world say, I’m ready for a vacation. 🙂 I’m sure you’ve heard people say they are ready for a break from their vacation because it is so much stress to try and get the whole family in the same direction. I’m told people even take “staycations” now which is where you tell everyone you are going on vacation so they won’t bother you then simply stay home. This is supposed to give you that time to do those things you want to do like read books, but never have time to do. I’m fairly certain my family would never go for that. My husband would find some excuse to go back to work and my daughter would be bored so we would still go over to everyone’s houses. I thought being in an Rv would make vacations easier because I’m already in my house therefore I don’t need to pack or worry about missing anything. I just didn’t take vacations before, so I’m not sure what level being in an Rv has reduced that stress. I do know that I’m ready for a nap, maybe a week long nap.

OK on a totally different note, my husband said that responsibility is not the same as independence. They are mutually exclusive terms even though they are often used together. I felt like I knew what each of those were, but when he told me he might never achieve independence even though he is a responsible adult it got me thinking, maybe I don’t know what those are. Am I really an independent adult? What does that actually mean or look like? I have moved out of my parents house some time ago and am not reliant on them financially at all. I co own my house as well as the car and I can easily manage money or take care of children. Am I really independent though? I always have my husband, my friends and my family around. I rarely go a few hours without talking to someone. Does my definition of independence mean you have to be lonely? There are some things I’m working on to gain more independence for myself, but I’ll always be around for those I love the most

Vacation step 1

When planning a vacation with a toddler  and an autistic husband in an Rv there are a few very important things to consider.

1) always do the majority of the driving at night. There are less people which is less stressful for your husband. There is also a small chance that the toddler will sleep in the car. A better chance of her being content listening to music and looking around instead of needing to change objects in her hand every 5 seconds.

2) always go during the off season. Not only do you get better rates, but there is a less chance of a public meltdown

3) always plan far in advance. Changing routines is very difficult so your husband will need as much advance warning as possible that he won’t be continuing his routine of going to work for a week. It’s also best to visualize everything that you will be doing so everyone can feel mentally prepared for leaving. Taking the entire house makes this easier because home routines are the same and helps relieve stress.

4) never over schedule. It is natural to want to do everything there is to see and do in the city. You want to go to the children’s parks and the museums and the cute dining area right outside of downtown. You can not do all these things in the same day. Spends time enjoying each thing. Being out of routine is already stressful do going when there are people and trying to do too much will cause a meltdown

5) make sure the Rv park is child friendly. Many now days are moving to being 55+ or they won’t say they prefer adults only but won’t have any children’s things and if your child gets noisy or does anything child-like then you are a horrible person and parent. Read the reviews, see if they have a playground in case your husband needs to have a moment alone

6) have a good time. Keep in mind that seeing new sights, and learning new things is still considered a good time